Child Sexual Abuse: For mothers. Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria

Information for Mothers whose Children have been Sexually Abused by Partners

"I never thought this could happen to us"

Every day many mothers face the awful reality of finding out that their child has been sexually abused. Most sexual abuse takes place within homes. In fact, it is usually committed by someone who is trusted by the child.

How you may be feeling

If the person who has abused your child is your partner, husband or boyfriend, you may feel a mixture of feelings. Sometimes women feel:

shocked
confused
disbelieving
numb
guilty
betrayed
frightened
hurt
a failure as a wife/partner and mother
angry at him for what he did
angry at themselves for not knowing or for not being able to stop it
angry at their child for not telling them
worried about what other people will think

You may want to know exactly what happened, or you may not want to hear about it at all. You may find it difficult to listen if your child tried to talk about it.

Some questions you may have

Why didn't I notice? Why didn't I know about it?

These are some of the questions which can go round and round in your mind after you find out about the abuse.

It is possible that you may have noticed that things were just not right at home. It may be really hard to put a name on what you felt. Sometimes women talk about having a "gut feeling" that something was not OK. At the time there was usually a good reason to explain what was going on. It may be easy looking back to see what was really happening. But, sexual abuse is the last thing that most people expect to be happening in their family.

It's not your fault that you were not aware of it sooner.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT IT HAPPENED

Why did he do it?

Many women believe that their partner sexually abused their child because:

he was not receiving the sexual satisfaction he needed from her
she is a failure as a wife and mother
he could not control himself

BUT Many men who sexually abuse children are having normal sexual relationships with their wives or girlfriends. The reason men sexually abuse children is connected to their need to feel powerful and in control. It is not about sex. He is in control of his behaviour and can choose not to abuse.

But wasn't I responsible for it happening too?

You are not responsible for the sexual abuse, even if you were:

sick
working long hours
unhappy and preoccupied at the time
frightened of him
no longer interested in him sexually

It is up to each individual adult person to be responsible for their own behaviour. Is it not the women's responsibility to police her partner's behaviour. In fact, most abusers take great care to carry out the abuse in secret. Often the situation is organised so that no-one else will be present, or so that no-one will find out what is happening.

Was it my child's fault?

Your child was not responsible for the sexual abuse even if:

she/he wanted to spend time with the abuser
she/he didn't tell you about what was happening
she/he couldn't stop the abuse from happening

No-one ever asks to be sexually abused. It is possible for a child to care for the person who is abusing them. But this does not mean that they want the abuse to happen or that they like it.

What can I do to help my child now?

There are many things which you can do to help your child to deal with the effects of the sexual abuse. Some important ones are:

believe them
praise them for telling
try to understand why they couldn't tell you about it earlier or at all
allow them to have as much control as possible over the decisions which are made about them
allow them to feel and express the whole range of feelings they may be experiencing
help them to feel safe
protect them from further abuse
respect their secrets - don't tell others what has happened without their permission to do so
help them to find someone they can trust to talk about what has happened

Mothers need support too.

Mothers of children who have been sexually abused need support too. It is important for you to be able to cope with the feelings which you may have about what has happened.

Questions which you may need to talk about can include:

Will my child be OK?

What will happen to the abuser?

Will I ever be able to trust him again?

Should I stay in the relationship?

Who do I believe if he says it was all the child's fault or it didn't happen?

What if it happened to me as a child too?

You can call DVRCV for:

referrals for counselling or support groups for mothers.
our library has many books and other self-help resources for mothers to borrow. Contact our librarian for an appointment or for information.
To Order a printed copy of this pamphlet - see our Publications page for an order form.

See also Support Services to find out about support and legal services available in Victoria and in Australia.

Reprinted (pamphlet) with permission from the Hobart Sexual Assault Support Service, November 1997 with funding provided by the Department of Human Services Victoria. First uploaded to website 1998