How can I help a friend or a family member?

Do you know someone who is being abused by a boyfriend or partner in a relationship? Here are some ideas on how to provide support to a friend or someone in your family. (Parents should also read the section below For Parents, and teachers please see below)

Do:

• Approach her about the abuse in a sensitive way. For example 'I'm worried about you because…"
• Believe what she tells you. It will have taken a lot for her to talk to you and trust you.
• Take the abuse seriously. Abuse can be damaging both physically and emotionally, and is very destructive to someone's self-confidence. Her boyfriend or partner could be placing her in real physical danger.
• Focus on her safety. Talk to her about her safety and how she could protect herself. See The Safety Plan & Ideas
• Help her to recognise the abuse and understand how it may be affecting her. Recognise and support her strength and courage.
• Help her to understand that the abuse is not her fault and that no-one deserves to be abused, no matter what they do.
• Listen to her and help her to think about her relationship, whether she wants to break up or stay, and how she can protect herself from any more abuse.
• Offer help to protect her but only if you are not putting your own safety at risk. For example, you could offer to be around when the abuser is there, give her lifts home, take phone messages from the abuser, etc.
• Encourage her to talk to a counsellor, or talk to a counsellor yourself about what you could do to support her.
• If you feel overwhelmed or frightened yourself, get help. Talk to someone, or ring a Service for support.

Don't:

• Don't blame her for the abuse or ask judgemental questions like "what did you do to make him treat you like that?" or "why don't you just break up with him?"
• Don't focus on trying to work out the abuser's reasons for the abuse. Concentrate on supporting her and on what she can do to protect herself.
• Try not to be impatient or critical of her if she is confused about what to do, or if she says that she still loves her boyfriend. It's difficult for anyone to break up a relationship, and especially hard if they are being abused.

Questions you could ask

• "What can I do to help?"
• "How has his behaviour made you feel? How is it affecting you?"
• "How have you been coping with the abuse?"
• "What can you do to make yourself safer?"
• "What are you afraid of if you leave?"
• "What are you afraid of if you stay?"

For parents:

It is not easy for a young person to talk to their parents about abuse. They might be scared that they will be blamed, punished, or have their decisions made for them.

It's also not easy for parents to find out that their daughter is being abused. You may have a range of reactions, including anger, panic, guilt and frustration. But your support is very important. As well as the ideas listed above, here are some ideas for parents to consider.

• Don't be critical of her. Be encouraging and supportive.

• Try not to criticise her boyfriend or partner, as this may only serve to make her defensive and stop her from telling you honestly how she feels. Let her know that his behaviour is unacceptable, that no-one has the right to abuse her, and that it is not her fault.

• Let her know you care about her and are concerned about her safety.

• Try not to tell her what to do, as she may have experienced this from her boyfriend.

• Think carefully and listen to your teenager before deciding to take action yourself.

Your initial reaction might be to try to stop her from seeing him, or to want to report the abuse to the police. But forcing her to break up the relationship before she herself is ready to do that can be counterproductive. She may secretly still try to see her boyfriend, or stop talking to you openly. And there may be repercussions for her if she suddenly stops seeing her boyfriend, or if the police become involved, especially if he has threatened her about this.

It is important to try to take into consideration your daughter's wishes. Let her know about your concerns for her safety, and encourage her to think of ways to protect herself. See The Safety Plan for ideas.

However, there may be times when you decide you do need to intervene to protect a teenager from further abuse (for example, continued or immediate physical danger, threats to harm your daughter or other family members). If you do decide to intervene, think about letting your teenager know what action you plan to take, and that you care about her and her safety. These decisions are difficult, and it can really help to talk to a counsellor about this (see Services).

• Offer help to protect her. You could help by being around when she sees the abuser, or by offering to pick her up if she is out, etc. If she wants to leave the relationship, there may be ways you could help to protect her, for example, by changing phone numbers, answering the door or telephone if her boyfriend tries to contact her, helping her to obtain legal advice and protection such as an Intervention Order, talking to teachers at her school, etc. But be careful not to put her safety or your own at risk by intervening.

• Offer to go with her to see a counsellor

• Contact a service yourself for support, or to find out about legal options.

For teachers:

The Canadian Making Waves Project has a useful 26 page manual available online, titled 'Making a Difference: a resource book for teachers and guidance counsellors on teen dating violence'. Although the services listed are Canadian, the guidelines for intervention, sample scenarios, and safety planning ideas are helpful for teachers and school counsellors in Australia. See www.mwaves.org (click on the Teacher's Corner section).