Abuse or violence in a relationship is about a pattern of behaviour that one person uses against another to intimidate them and to get them to do what they want. Abuse is not just physical violence. Emotional or sexual abuse can be just as harmful as physical violence.

Research shows that in relationships, males are most likely to be the abusers, and females are most likely to be the victims. (see Statistics). Females can also be abusive, in lesbian and in straight relationships (see Information for lesbians for more info).

Examples of these forms of abuse are:

This is when your boyfriend or girlfriend puts you down, ignores you or calls you names. It may be about what you are wearing, or how you're acting. They may want you to stop spending time with your friends and question you on every detail of what you've done without them. They may use jealousy or anger to intimidate you or to control your behaviour, or might deliberately humiliate you in front of others. They might try to manipulate you and make you feel wrong, inadequate or like you're crazy. Another form of emotional abuse is if they threaten to hurt themselves or other people if you break up with them. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Ana's story or read more true stories

This involves physical acts such as hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, pulling your hair or choking you, or threatening to harm you in any way. It could involve using a weapon or an object to threaten or hurt you, smashing things or driving a car dangerously to frighten you. Hurting someone physically or threatening to hurt them is a criminal offence.

Eva's story or read more true stories

This involves pressuring or forcing you to do sexual things that you don't want to do. Even if they have not physically forced you to have sex with them, if they tried to manipulate you or coerce you into having sex when you didn't want to (like if they say 'you'd do it if you really loved me' or 'you're frigid'), this is still sexual abuse. It is also sexual assault if you have been drinking or taking drugs or if you were asleep or unconscious and you were not aware of what was happening. Rape and other forms of sexual assault are criminal offences.

Kylie's story or read more true stories

What's Love got to do with it?

It can be hard to see whether your boyfriend / girlfriend's behaviour is actually abusive, or it can be hard to find a word for it. They might try to convince you that their jealous and possessive behaviour is because they love you. But this kind of treatment isn't love; it's control.

Are you being abused? Have a look at the Relationship Warning Signs Quiz:

Or read Isabella's story about how she got free from an abusive relationship, and her advice to someone who was being abused. You can also read other's stories.