What is abuse in relationships?

You might be confused about whether what's happening to you is abuse. This info helps you understand the different kinds of abuse.

Abuse or violence in a relationship is a pattern of behaviour that one person uses against another to intimidate them and to get them to do what they want. Abuse is not just physical violence. Emotional or sexual abuse can be just as harmful as physical violence.

Sometimes people call this sort of abuse 'dating violence' or 'domestic violence'. Research shows that in relationships, males are most likely to be the abusers, and females are most likely to be the victims. (see Statistics). Females can also be abusive, in lesbian and in straight relationships (see Information for lesbians for more info). In this information, we will be referring to male-to-female abuse in relationships, but the ideas are also relevant to relationships where it is females who are abusive.

Emotional abuse

This is when your boyfriend or partner puts you down, ignores you or calls you names. It may be about what you are wearing, or how you're acting. He may want you to stop spending time with your friends and question you on every detail of what you've done without him. He may use jealousy or anger to intimidate you or to control your behaviour, or he might deliberately humiliate you in front of others. Another form of emotional abuse is when he threatens to hurt himself or other people if you break up with him. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse.

Ana's story

Physical abuse

This involves physical acts such as hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, pulling your hair or choking you, or threatening to harm you in any way. It could involve using a weapon or an object to threaten or hurt you, smashing things or driving a car dangerously to frighten you. Hurting someone physically or threatening to hurt them is a criminal offence.

Eva's story

Sexual abuse

This involves pressuring or forcing you to do sexual things that you don't want to do. Even if your boyfriend has not physically forced you to have sex with him, if he tried to manipulate you or coerce you into having sex when you didn't want to (like if he says 'you'd do it if you really loved me' or 'you're frigid'), this is still sexual abuse. It is also sexual assault if you have been drinking or taking drugs or if you were asleep or unconscious and you were not aware of what was happening. Rape and other forms of sexual assault are criminal offences.

Kylie's story

What's Love got to do with it?

Many girls don't realise that their boyfriends behaviour is actually abusive, or they can't find a word for it. Sometimes they are convinced by their boyfriend that his jealous and possessive behaviour is because he loves them. But this kind of treatment isn't love; it's control.

Are you being abused? Have a look at the Relationship Warning Signs Quiz:

Read Isabella's story about how she got free from an abusive relationship and her advice to someone who was being abused.