Breaking up can be a very difficult decision. Sometimes people say "why don't you just break up with them?", but often they don't understand how hard it can be to leave. You may be reluctant to break up, for lots of different reasons like:

• you love your boyfriend/girlfriend because they are still good to you sometimes
• you hope they will change
• you are scared to leave them because of what they could do
• all your friends have boyfriends / girlfriends and you'd feel left out or alone without them
• you feel worthless without them
• he/she says he/she loves you
• you feel you can't avoid them because they are at the same school or have the same friends.

It can be really hard to break up, especially if you still love them or if they say they love you. But if someone is treating you badly, this is not showing you love or respect. This kind of treatment can be very damaging for your self confidence. You deserve to have someone who says they love you and shows you that they love you by always treating you with respect.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend may really try to pressure you if you try to break up. If they think you will leave them, they might improve their treatment of you for a while but then go back to their old behaviour later, when they feel in control again. This is a common pattern in abusive relationships. Be suspicious if they promise to change when you leave or threaten to leave. If they haven't respected your rights in the relationship so far, then how likely is it that they will change their attitude now?

The abuse and violence probably won't just go away - in fact, usually people say it gets worse over time. Some have found that the abuse increased when they have tried to break up. Think carefully about your physical safety - if you are afraid of your boyfriend/girlfriend, take these feelings seriously because you could be in real danger.

It's your decision. If you do decide to continue being in the relationship, or if you decide to split up with them, think of ways to protect yourself from any more violence or abuse. See The Safety Plan for ideas. Have a read of Isabella's story about how she got free from an abusive relationship, and what she would say to someone who was being abused. Or read stories & advice from others who have been there.

A place to think about your relationship

Think about your reasons for staying and leaving, and about how the abuse may be affecting you. How would your life be if you didn't have to put up with abuse? You can use the Thinking Sheet questions to help you think about the relationship.