Why does abuse happen?

Inequalities in our society and different expectations about how men and women should behave can explain why it is most commonly boys or men who are abusive in relationships. In our society, men have traditionally been expected to be in control, tough or 'macho', dominant and aggressive. Some guys think that they have to dominate girls and 'keep them in line' so they can see themselves as a 'real man'. Our society also encourages men to see girlfriends as their possessions, and to see sex as a kind of competition (like when guys say "did you score?") rather than being part of a relationship with another person.

Men who are abusive often have these sorts of attitudes towards girlfriends and women in general. Violence and abuse is often used as a way to try and control your behaviour, so that you only do things that he wants you to do. A person who is abusive gets certain benefits from their behaviour, including getting their own way, getting attention and sense of power and importance.

Girls and women are also influenced by social expectations, which say that girls should be passive and should try to please others rather than think of their own needs. Traditionally in marriage women have been expected to 'love, honour and obey' their husbands. Our society encourages girls to believe that their relationship is the most important thing in their lives, or that they are worthless without a boyfriend.

Social attitudes play a big role in allowing abuse to continue by excusing the abuser from taking responsibility. A common attitude is that 'she provoked it', as though women deserve abuse because of their behaviour. Also often people will say "Why does she put up with it? Why doesn't she just break up with him?". This implies that it's somehow her fault or there is something wrong with her because she stays. But really the only person to blame for the abuse is the person who is being abusive.

Kim was abused by her boyfriend. Here's what she says:

How common is it?

Thousands of girls experience violence in their relationships, probably more than you think. An Australian Bureau of Statistics survey of women in 1996 found that young women were more likely to be at risk of violence from their partner compared to older women. The survey estimated that 7.3% of women aged 18-24 had experienced violence by their current partners in the previous 12 months in Australia, compared to 2.1% of women aged 45-54 years.(Note: this survey looked at age data for current partners only in relation to the 12 months prior to the survey, and not before this time). A New Zealand study of 21 year olds found that in the previous 12 months, 11.3% of females and 2.7% of males had experienced physical assault from their partners.

Australian Bureau of Statistics. Women's Safety Australia. Canberra: ABS, 1996.

Langley, J., Martin, J., Nada-Raja., S. 'Physical Assault among 21 year olds by partners'. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. 12 (5) Oct 1997 : 675-684.